Tuesday, December 2, 2014

YEAH, but THIS Manticore...

1. Will spare anyone willing to endure a lengthy reading of it's original poetry
2. Worshiped as (evil) deity by pride of sentient lions w/subtly human-like faces
3. Poison from variant scorpion-like tail acts as healing potion when administered in tiny doses, full stinger injection induces "death by healing" as tissues of victim redouble grotesquely until appalling cellular crash
4. Savage fangs, throat-rending claws and everything but eats only cake, swoons if presented one of surpassing quality
5. Looking to extract bribes of gold, jewels, must amass fortune to pay off blood debt to dragon
6. Ravishingly beautiful human face, desperately wants a kiss, if you kiss it w/sincere empathy it will (80%) transmute into original identity of ancient monarch, or (20%) bite your face off
7. Overwhelming instinct to protect children, everyone else can go to hell
8. Lusts for wizard flesh, blood, and spell-laden brains
9. Reads a lot, has awesome library, a master of trivia, spellbinding raconteur, at some point in conversation spine-covered tail lashes out, taking it upon itself to initiate lethal mayhem
10. Recently elected representative of dungeon guardians in wage talks with Dungeon Overlord, anticipates imminent assassination
11. Under blackmail threat by troll who witnessed illicit tryst between manticore and Dungeon Overlord's significant other, now must hunt for insatiable troll mouths as well as own
12. Has waited patiently for uncounted years for arrival of prophesied champion who will ride manticore into battle

Sunday, November 30, 2014

What the Well-Dressed Dragon is Wearing this Season

1. Pictogram tattoos covering wing-membranes depicting self-congratulatory episodes from dragon's career, small army of tattoo artists often imprisoned nearby
2. Sealed, tinted goggles, nostril plugs linked by tubes to air tanks on back ostensibly for extreme high altitude exploration missions, but look so cool they've caught on
3. False fangs of titan ivory, elaborately scrimshawed w/various symbols of death/power, must be removed for comprehensible speech
4. Stylish, if frequently unnecessary, bejeweled eye patch
5. Timeless elegance of simple necklace of paladin skulls
6. Cast-iron wrecking ball on tail-extending prosthetic in variety of pleasing/spiky shapes
7. Claws painted in baroque detail by kidnapped artist who, by way of Stockholm syndrome/strange simpatico, has become dragon's only true friend
8. Grand Pope-style hat, encrusted with shiny bits, affixed to jaw by strap, size indicates expansiveness of lair
9. Woven gold body-stocking gives the luxurious feel of sleeping atop heap of riches w/out all the disorderly mess
10. Decorative body harness of giant reptile leather, polished steel plates situated over vital areas add protective value to otherwise encumbering get-up
11. It's all about epaulets this season
12. Offensive overdose of highly objectionable dinosaur-musk cologne, completely eradicates tell-tale dragon stench, but at what cost?

Monday, November 24, 2014

Mere Hours Remain

Lulu is running a half-price sale on hardcovers that ends today, and I really should have mentioned this sooner (though I found out late in the game anyway), but for heaven's sake anybody who might enjoy a handsome hardcover copy of the Dungeon Dozen book should JUMP AT THIS CHANCE! AT ONCE! LINK BELOW!

Enter coupon code HC50 on the checkout page to get the discount.

In related news, production work has begun on the Dungeon Dozen Volume Two, which is exciting for me, but a long slog lies ahead, so I won't be mentioning it much until we begin closing on on completion.

Also, if you haven't yet, make sure you check out my new all-monster blog, They Stalk the Underworld.


Monday, October 20, 2014

Name That Barbarian!

1. Bloodlips of the Depleted Hills
2. Hazmax the Arch-decapitator
3. Groat Yanbrine, warrior of the Undesirable Valley
4. Ahk Thunderbowels of the Marginlands
5. Howling Yowk, Registered Berserk
6. Ogle-Eye the Wasteland Observer
7. Moag the Spleen Collector
8. Calambur, Last Son of Starvation Hollow
9. Khoog of Wretchland, King-throttler
10. Quatrox the Remorseless, Slayer of Fools
11. Ugos Cleaverhand, Bastard Son of the Axe God
12. Bear-No-One-Understands

Sunday, October 5, 2014

DANGER: New Blog Approaching Your Perimeter

Hey folks, I'm not abandoning the Dozen anytime soon, but to keep things fresh for myself I've started a new blog to share and warehouse my ever-growing list of dubious creatures and malevolent entities, including many of the weirdos and creeps hinted-at in various Dungeon Dozen entries. Please check it out.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Downtime Activities: The Puny Humanoids

1. Devoted to religious pursuits, review of pictogram scriptures for nightly ritual quiz, crafting of graven images, shrieking out extremely unpleasant prayers, weeding out heretics
2. Training for Ironskull event in All-Humanoid Olympiad
3. Giant spider baiting, great fun for all but the lowest caste members who must do the dirty work
4. Aimless tunneling for fun/relaxation, sometimes to intentionally undermine lairs of rivals, leisure tunnels wind their way around the Underworld w/out rhyme or reason
5. Always seeking new/improved cruelties, hand-crafting of novel implements of war/torture
6. Semi-lethal pranks and practical jokes, fluid tribal hierarchy determined by quality, wickedness, hilarity, complexity of these Rube Goldberg machines of pain and humiliation
7. Occupied 24/7 w/reproduction-related activities, impenetrably weird rituals re: same
8. Composition and performance of intricately structured/interminable drum-odes to Chaos
9. The minute they're off duty it's straight to the opium den for long stretches of euphoric languor
10. Plotting total annihilation of medium-size humanoids, brewing up/weaponizing bacterial contagions in filthy laboratories, stockpiling arms, designing/installing death traps in enemy territory
11. Designing/installing pits/snares/deadfalls for dungeon fauna then doing terrible things to them
12. Under direction of ambitious shaman, entirety of tribe engaged in highly organized cataloging of dungeon creatures, habits, descriptions, towards eventual publication as monster manual, publisher lined up in Imperial Capitol City who feels they'll have a best-seller on their tiny, twisted hands, advance copies of the work-in-progress of extreme value

Monday, September 8, 2014

So You Got Captured by the Evil Humanoids...

How careless of you!

1. Regain senses in Underworld slave market in the marked-down/slightly damaged section
2. Live-shipped via slug-drawn sledge to Monster Chow manufacturing facility for processing
3. Tossed in prison cells with lavish food service of surpassing quality, pleasant, stress-free living, attention paid to health, personal hygiene until sufficiently fattened for sale to well-to-do cannibal gourmet
4. Party manacled together into chain gang labor force, must shovel their way out of hopelessly clogged ancient Underworld sewer to have sentences commuted to mere execution
5. Placed in long queue of traitors, cowards, and outlanders to be catapulted into vast Underworld quagmire loaded w/all manner of ooze, slime, pudding, jelly
6. Awaken already in remarkably airy belly of titanic horror-beast worshiped by humanoids
7. Sent to re-education camp for deep immersion reprogramming, to be accepted as humanoid tribe members of child status following successful brain-washing
8. Used as pawns in arms-for-hostages exchange w/agents of corrupt local potentate
9. Human targets: it's kind of like skeet shooting for humanoid archery/spear training
10. Paralysis drug slowly begins to wear off upon deposit into huge food bowl of giant chained abomination
11. Strapped in to elaborate torture devices but due to staffing issues, you'll be serviced one-at-a-time, humanoids don't really want to know anything
12.  Sold to travelling Underworld circus, sink-or-swim training in various death-defying stunts to begin immediately

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Evil Humanoids: The Bitter Truth about Reproduction

1. When biological alarm clock sounds off they go mad, rip themselves in half while laughing maniacally, each half grows into new humanoid
2. They're sloughing off microscopic zygotes all the time, everywhere they go, immediately enter Darwinian struggle for survival, competing viciously w/single-celled organisms, then insects, then small animals until only the hardiest/most ruthless reach full size
3. Release clouds of spores onto dead human bodies upon which humanoids feed/grow like a fungal bloom
4. Nasal cavities occasionally become stuffed up, blow larval humanoids out their noses
5. Steal human children, subject them to rigorous reprogramming, mutagenic baths
6. Random individuals suddenly stricken, swell to gross immensity before exploding, releasing 2d6 fully formed humanoids, immediately ready for action
7. Amputated parts, if watered regularly, grow into new individuals, donors, however, do not regenerate
8. Exposure to rays of harvest moon triggers budding, takes full season to complete during which they must be protected from harm
9. Powdered essence of humanoid sprinkled onto food of another creature initiates parasitic pregnancy in stomach w/predictably gruesome outcome
10. Singular bubbling cauldron in secret location deep in the Underworld, filled w/primordial soup from the dawn of time, spews forth new humanoids by the dozen
11. At the end of humanoid's life cycle head erupts into dandelion-like flower, releases hundreds of seeds into the wind to grow upon tilled soil in lieu of intended crops
12. Annual unholy ritual begins featuring incessant dancing, cacophony of drums, crazed chanting, copious bloodletting, imbibing of mind-bending intoxicants, entirety of population swept up in riotous bacchanal, how, no humanoid can say but by the next day population has increased by 33%  

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Disgorged Contents of the Giant Snake's Stomach

1. Partially digested magic-user, scorched over 75% of body, hand still clutches wand of fireballs, zero charges remaining, other ex-members of adventuring party incinerated nearby
2. Recently swallowed pellets of Giant Snake Chow, embossed Underworld dwarf maker's mark still legible
3. Entire royal wedding party of dungeon pixies, many small treasures of jewelry among the ruins of resplendent garments, decorations, undamaged scroll contains elaborate map indicating table seating arrangements, menu choices for over 100 guests
4. Formerly enchanted suit of plate armor, crushed flat, occupant's whereabouts unknown but a nude paladin stalks the dungeon somewhere in the vicinity
5. Untapped cask of the finest spirits, crumpled bodies of two humanoids who died thirsty, bitter ghosts manifest to lodge complaints about this final indignity
6. Shoe box size all-terrain excursion vehicle, heavily damaged, occupied by tiny alien explorers w/nothing but terrible things to say about the campaign world via wee universal translation device
7. Hollowed-out giant mouse, body cavity filled w/lethal snake poison
8. Troll busy pulling self together after humiliating surprise attack
9. Black pudding w/ossified exterior, apparently some kind of defense mechanism, slowly cracks open to resume oozing about once danger has passed
10. Hollowed-out giant mouse, body cavity filled w/semi-reliable powder of monster control  
11. Entire chain-gang of puny humanoids, devoured like so many sausages, a terrible fate but arguably better than that Underworld dwarf labor-camp
12. Imp enjoyed stomach acid bath, fell fast asleep, yawns, stretches, resumes previously scheduled wicked mayhem

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Underworld Dwarfs Built It

1. Colossal stone marimba hewn from living bedrock using tectonic magic, dwarf musician strikes w/giant mechanical hammers for unbelievably deep bass tones that make dwarfs want to work even harder
2. Titanic projectile launcher, extensible barrel protrudes from hidden mountain vale, fires bullet-shaped, impact-proofed troop transport containers loaded w/shock troopers
3. The Mountain Inside the Mountain: after hollowing, faux-mountain megadungeon constructed inside, most popular tourist destination for underworld dwarfs
4. Underworld transport system of hydraulic elevators, near frictionless tubes w/super-conductor driven high speed passenger capsules, thousands of dwarfs killed in accidents each year but its so damn convenient no one cares
5. The City of Spheres, perfectly round stone buildings on walls, floor, ceiling connected by tubes running in all directions, built for extinct species of genius amoeboids in exchange for accounting services, giant abacus in city center tracks ancient credits/debits, sacred to dwarfs
6. Automatic Dragon Ejection Device, installed in entrances (both grand and secret) to dwarfish properties
7. Moebius pit: opens on floor and ceiling, equal chance of falling in either direction, fall indefinitely, passing through pit room from opposite trap door, damaging collisions possible w/party members falling in other direction, guards alerted by alarm retrieve giant butterfly nets to seize falling prisoners
8. Chemically programmed giant insect brains purchased from wicked sorcerer across the way, loaded into mechanical crawlers laden w/explosives = anti-humanoid assassin drones
9. Air-conditioned hotel in chamber wall high above spectacular lava pits, heat-proof observation decks, romantic vacation destination for underworld honeymooners, staffed by charming, customer-service oriented, semi-indestructible stone boys
10. Resurrection Stone: vast meteor w/dwarf-shaped impression, returns recently dead dwarfs to life if placed within for 24 hours
11. Personality nullification chamber: cut from singular crystal, after initial hours-long treatment brief daily visits on way to work required to sustain desirable effects, skipping sessions leads to unpleasant "coming down with personality"
12.  Earthquake piston: massive device for undermining surface cities, stirring up mayhem, must be disassembled and rebuilt in new locations, this is the only time you see Underworld dwarfs laugh

Friday, August 29, 2014

Downtime Activities: The Troll

1. Fastidious cleansing of dungeon corridors, detritus collected, sorted into heaps according to semi-impenetrable trollish categorization scheme
2. Decorates areas adjacent to lair: skull garden of stacked heads, femur collection presented vertically, perpetual unsatisfied w/results, constant rearrangement required
3. Stalks, sneaks up upon, scares the hell out of lesser humanoids for cheap thrills, upon success emits excruciating peals of hideous high-pitched troll-giggles for hours
4. Enters torpor upon feeding, stares off into space, motionless but for a thin trickle of drool, until agonizing hunger pangs return at last
5. Physical training for flaming pit-leaping competition in upcoming All Humanoid Olympiad
6. Artisanal meat-packing/processing, countless unsavory salamis hang drying from lair ceiling in preparation for annual Underworld Sausage Festival
7. Meandering exploration of dungeon environs, punctuated by experimental attempts to digest novel flora, fauna, unfamiliar inanimate objects
8. Involuntarily swept up in aimless instinctual migratory pattern, must remain constantly on the move like a great white shark of the dungeon, lairs used collectively as way-stations, one almost never encounters the same troll twice
9. Following substantial feasting upon human flesh becomes temporarily gentle, playful as a kitten, but of course it can't last
10. Cultivates impressive yard of reeking, multicolored, bioluminescent molds on walls, floor, ceiling outside lair, groovy psychedelic effect perhaps incongruous w/known trollish savagery
11. Enters state of helpless stupefaction, extrudes stream of countless tiny larval trolls through aperture in neck until only withered husk remains
12. Seeks out and destroys all nearby sources of fire, acid

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Barbarians Call it "Style"

1. Crude tattoo of totem monster covering at least 25% of available canvas, may only wear armor on remaining 75%
2. Sleeveless half-shirt of passably gleaming mail, snake skin g-string, leather strap straining under weight of lethal ironmongery
3. Thick mammoth-leather armor that covers everything but the naughty bits
4. Human hair & scalp full-body jumpsuit, hair greased to stand on end
5. Necklace made of mummified paws of giant snow-cat, inward pointing claws, tightened before battle
6. Codpiece crafted from pelvic bone of Deinonychus, broad-brimmed straw hat
7. All R&D efforts of tribe seemingly expended upon advanced footwear, stone-age equivalent of high end cross-trainers in all the colors of the rainbow, position/rank in tribe easily determined by degree of splendor
8. Hauberk made from layers of petrified teeth of the woolly land-shark, hair smeared w/reeking fat, shaped in tribute to dorsal fin
9. Outlandishly wide/thick leather belt laden w/death-dealing implements, that's it
10. Cave bear fangs installed in mouth via magical dentistry, tight-fitting bearskin pants
11. Tall black leather helmets festooned w/multitude of small dried pterodactyl wings
12. Unsavory symbiotic arrangement achieved with blood-drinking creeping vine, produces attractive, leafy covering w/some protective value, flowers when spritzed w/blood of enemies which must be provided regularly else the barbarian host be drained

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Previously Unknown Islands

1. Abandoned Isle: formerly occupied by self-contained civilization of geniuses, developed space program, flew the coop leaving empty fast-food joints, doo-dad factories, apartment buildings, subsequently taken over by idiotic crab-men who've trashed everything
2. Totality of island given over to insect megalopolis, towering skyline of high-rise termite-nest-like structures, zillions of tiny intelligent insects, armed forces thereof employ bio-lasers from weird organs growing out of heads
3. Colossal floating black pudding, torpid, sports complete parasite-based ecosystem
4. Abundance Island: tangle of the lushest vegetation, blooms of every stripe, inexhaustible supplies of fruit, mammoth beanstalks ascend beyond the heavens, horrors occasionally descend
5. Zen garden island: impeccably maintained grounds cover entirety of land mass, awesome feng shui grants bonuses to any who hang around for a while, constant upkeep performed by small population of fully self-actualized masters who welcome all but reserve the right to annihilate despoilers w/unbelievable kung fu powers
6. Emperor's Secret Party Island: Las Vegas-like amenities provided by host of permanent staff,  each devoted cultists of the Lords of Debauchery, every conceivable vice indulged, small fortune in gold to qualify for entry, must be exchanged colorful ceramic disks, the local currency
7. Island w/giant crater converted by indigenous people into vast arena, countless gladiatorial contests unfold 24/7, outcomes of which interpreted by priesthood to decide matters in every aspect of life
8. Ghost Isle: utterly destroyed by ancient society's super-weapon testing program, angry island manifests capriciously to bewilder sailors, launches phantasmal galleons loaded w/hideous undead marines to scare the hell out of/destroy any who approach
9. Barren stone island carved by ancients into single enormous statue in honor of believed-imminent incomprehensible outer entity, yes, just gazing upon this monumental work can drive one to howling lunacy
10. Perfect Utopia Isle: surrounded by impenetrable 100 ft. wall to keep intruders out, populace in, many towers w/death ray broadcasters standing by for long-range preemptive destruction of potential interlopers, the only way to keep a Utopia going
11. Island of the Kraken-hunting Apes: Kong-size ape society w/material culture, wear kraken-beak helms, togas, dwell in vast Parthenon-like structure, sail outriggers to abyssal ocean zones, dive singly w/huge daggers in teeth for sub-aqueous prey
12. Animism Island: every last thing imbued w/anthropomorphic personality, a terrible, terrible place

Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Paladin Has a Damn Good Reason for Seizing your Treasure

Wandering paladins (an ever-present danger for adventurers operating in and around civilized lands) go about their business with preternatural moral certitude, would rather perish than skew an iota from deity-sanctioned duty, and generally operate in concert with a good number of well-armed ironclad lackeys.

1. Fundraising efforts by temple of Law declared mandatory by righteous monarch
2. Humanitarian crisis in neighboring duchy supersedes petty self-enrichment
3. New murderhobo tax on the books, required 40% forfeiture due upon encounter w/paladin
4. Fines levied for unlicensed treasure hunting in a forbidden zone
5. Damages due for last village the PCs happened to burn down
6. Paladin recognizes party loot as precisely the treasures reported stolen from lost caravan
7. Obscure provision in ancient regional legal code designates all dungeon treasures property of nearest landed gentry who may grant finder's fees, but don't hold your breath
8. The Devil's gold must be purified of evil back at the temple before safe for general use, a very serious matter of public safety
9. Paladin former acquaintance of NPC the adventurers killed for no particularly compelling reason, compensation due to surviving family members
10. Coins no longer legal tender, will exchange for new paper money
11. Illegal alien tax, PCs may avoid by providing proof of citizenship, local address, names and addresses of parents, two witnesses (not party members)
12. New revelation transmitted to paladin in dream: money the root of all evil, all gold must be gathered, transformed into towering statues of patron deity

Saturday, July 26, 2014

What the Underworld Sorcerer Requires

1. Tissue specimen from the Slumbering God at the bottom of musical troll-haunted, cacophonous Yarling Crevasse
2. Test pilots for all-terrain Underworld Excursion Vehicle, fully loaded w/latest anti-monster technology, planned shakedown run crosses Black Ooze River, over broken surface of Great Lichen Plain, back around through gas-filled Choking Caverns
3. Missing page to be snagged from the only other extant copy of mystic tome in secret library of exceedingly evil rival sorcerer from across the way, currently lording it over intellectually negligible gnat-people
4. Brain of irrelevant Underworld potentate immune to disease, preferable alive, preservation kit provided if dead, rules dwindling plague-devastated population from crumbling tower teetering on precipice of crater filled w/digestive enzymes
5. Death mask of obscure ancient potentate found w/in the Ziggurat on the Ceiling, required for fancy dress occasion on infernal plane
6. Sample of Primal Chaos at the core of the world, chaosometer and entropy-proof suits provided
7. The Flutter of hummingbird wings, bottled, mountaintop gale, in a sack, the shattered self-opinion of an Underworld queen, distilled
8. Fingerprints (clear and free of smudges) of frost giant prince on lam from own people, hiding out in citadel of the blind antler-men
9. Delivery of gifts, close encounters of the third kind with recently discovered Underworld humanoid society in obscure cavern system beyond the Molten Playground of the Stone Boys
10. Live capture of unique giant lizard w/alchemical digestive process last seen in the Dead Giant Jungle
11. Return of sorcerer's love interest, a magic-user of equal potency, mind-controlled slave of notable humanoid oligarch (fortune bilked from pathetic gnat-men in ongoing extortion racket), lives in palatial home like giant hornet's nest hung from ceiling, accessible by giant bats
12.  Temporary distraction of freshly-spawned, semi-indestructible Underworld chaos-godling w/strong attraction to sorcery until more permanent solution developed, super-potent enchanted relic offered as bait, if it happens to stumble into a bottomless pit, so much the better

Thursday, July 24, 2014

A Golden Opportunity for the Impecunious

The Antler-men of the Underworld insist you
download your copy this instant.

For a period of time I leave intentionally vague, the PDF version of The Dungeon Dozen book is yours for whatever you wish to pay (Pay What You Want they call it over on RPGNow), including zilch. Be certain to avail yourself of this chance BUT DO NOT DELAY! TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!

<------------------ click on the RPGNow button in the column to the left to get yours today

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Wandering Monsters Encountered Each Other: Dungeon Level One

We'll never know why sorcerers can't resist
 crossbreeding owls with everything

On a failed roll for wandering monsters, check again to see if they encounter one another in nearby dungeon area, alert players to various noises, stenches that result.
Roll once on each table, or twice on individual table at whim, adjudicate results of unexpected contact

Table One: Humans and the Like
1. Warpack of puny humanoids, armed to teeth, search for rumored evil hobbit assassins but minimally enthusiastic due to crappy pay, poor benefits package
2. Noble paladin w/damn good reason for seizing treasures already captured/coveted by PCs, led by very bossy talking enchanted sword of the utmost lawful goodness, six jittery men-at-arms
3. Invisible necromancer in a huff about vandalized zombie servitors rushes back to lair, carries on heated conversation w/self
4. Supremely overconfident surface wizard of means hauled around in palanquin surrounded by scads of charmed hirelings
5. Berserkers calming down after zombie beheading spree, dripping sweat, gore spattered, guzzle booze from wine skins
6. Puny humanoid body-builders en route to gymnasium discuss feats of strength past and future
7. Evil hobbits hired to assassinate necromancer try to remain unseen while attempting to flee the dungeon
8. Lone troll w/enormous appetite after grueling bit of regeneration slums it on level one in search of easy chow, sick and tired of combat, seeks parlay where possible
9. Blind sword master w/encyclopedic knowledge of proximate dungeon levels, returning to extract pay from necromancer after mission to level three, issues challenge for single combat to any w/sword
10. Intelligent apes from nearby cave system carry great burlap sacks, hunt puny humanoids
11. Evil priest and squad of action acolytes lead chain gang of surface humans earmarked for cult sacrifice on level three
12. Warriors of entirely different evil cult roam corridors hoping to ambush, seize sacrifice candidates from priest in entry 11 for their own unspeakable deity

Table Two: Dungeon Predators/Scavengers/Idiots
1.  Weird giant rats
2.Owlsnakes hungry for giant rats, no matter how weird
3. Recently decapitated zombies stagger around at random flailing blindly at anything
4. Large transparent ooze w/two struggling humans inside busy looking for private spot to digest cult warriors that took wrong turn
5. Stench beetle shoots first, doesn't bother w/questions, sticky aromatic fluid accurate up to 30' (see subtable)
6. Huge spiders that travel by casting webs, swinging from ceiling like that comic book character, venom dissolves troll flesh like acid
7. Intact zombies armed w/heads of decapitated fellows still capable of bite attacks
8. Ceiling-crawling dungeon leeches as long as your arm, several bloated w/caustic troll blood
9. Giant army ants drag dead cultists to nearby mound
10. Flightless pteradactyls w/massive talons search for carrion
11. Giant cave salamander w/spiked tail like stegosaurus makes beeline for stagnant pool on level two
12. Skeletons of deceased acrobats w/moves like Jackie Chan on hunt for evil hobbit assassins

Stench Beetle Aroma Table (characters hit by blast must contend w/overwhelming malignant odor for 1d12 hours)
1-2. Offensive cologne overdose
3-4. Hot garbage
5-6. Sickly sweet smell of death
7-8. Sizzling bacon (attracts monsters/gluttonous humans)
9-10. Satan's outhouse
11-12. 1000 neglected litter boxes

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Why Are There Evil Humanoids?

1. Humans trend toward the pretty damn evil, just not quite evil enough, gods went back to drawing board
2. They came from the future: universe started off pure order and good, slowly but steadily skews towards evil chaos until its terrible, incomprehensible end, evil humanoids time-launched refugees thereof
3. Victims of subterranean radioactive stone, emanations destroy good at metaphysical level
4. Brought into being to act as anti-humans by unpopular deities whose creative input was not requested for original creation scheme, throwing monkey wrench into otherwise charming plan for universe
5. Pawns in depopulation program by wicked aliens: secretly abduct humans in shocking numbers, plant seed of evil in brains, triggers permanent transmutations into various humanoid types, released into the wild as free agents of mayhem
6. Evil humanoids actually ambulatory fungi doing their best imitation of humans (note: all fungi inherently evil), a ruse to be dropped the instant the stars are right
7. Forces of Natural Selection in campaign world strongly favor evil, its a wonder any living beings possess even a scrap of decency
8. First came Primal Chaos, the substance from which all order and good accidentally developed, there is no reason for anything and its silly of you to ask
9. Seed of evil humanoids deposited when comet collides w/campaign world: weird hyper-adaptable space beings chose human-like form as optimum for requisite conquest of planet
10. Personified wickedness released from the Plane of Petulant Vanity by mythic prince: crafted the First Mirror in the Earliest Days, smashed it when reflection failed to live up to hype opening floodgates
11. Hilarious prank of otherwise transcendent cosmic entities unable to shake primitive appreciation of physical comedy, humankind perpetually, pitilessly punked for cheap laughs
12.  Philosophers hoist white flag: quandary of evil humanoid origins declared "unfathomable"

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Dragon's Current Situation

1. Duped by being of even greater evil into series of aerial attacks on military outposts of Law, many untreated arrow wounds, 1d12 enchanted missiles still embedded in crusty hide
2. Bad case of draconic distemper characterized by vomiting, fever, occasional seizures, under care of demonic veterinarian now practicing on premises, sees various other blighted horrors during downtime
3. Driven to distraction by lust for particularly juicy bauble located in proximate dungeon complex, unattainable by dragon due to notable, ever-expanding girth, narrow corridors
4. Depleted of joie de vivre, sleeps more than ever, off chow, no longer enthusiastic about lethal mayhem, accumulation of wealth, treasure heaps disheveled, covered in dust/cobwebs, tablets ordered from alchemist untouched in bottle
5. Obsessed w/outer spheres after close encounter w/UFO, pours vast amounts of treasure into personal space program, retains cadre of science-sorcerers headquartered in lush laboratories near lair
6. Deranged, delusional following head wound delivered by paladin whose mummified corpse the dragon drags around everywhere it goes, engages self in penetrating Socratic dialogues to plumb innermost mysteries careful observation of which could crack the code on hitherto incomprehensible dragon psychology
7. Groggy, cranky, increasingly irrational, overdue for 1d12 year slumber but keeps getting interrupted
8. Flush w/cash after fortuitous encounter w/treasure-laden caravan, gleeful, giddy, ebullient peals of laughter audible from significant distance, in its glory, one will never encounter a dragon more magnanimous
9. Exits lair nightly to continue construction of titanic bird's nest-type structure on nearby mountain peak
10. Putting on airs after decades of savagery, tutors hired, wine collection off to grand start, ostentatious jewel-encrusted headdress commissioned
11. In hock to evil Underworld priest who performed life-saving healing after dragon's encounter w/bad-ass gang of wizards, wings damaged irreparably, amputated, ranges farther and farther from lair on desperate treasure-gathering raids to keep hell-hounds off trail
12. Preoccupied by newly acquired talent for astral projection, rumored to enter stupor for days at a time, mind expanded by visits to new and unusual planes of existence, but not so much that it doesn't note and lust after shiny/enchanted items from each

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tonight's Special Event in the Underworld Humanoid Lair

1. Funerary ritual in honor of dungeon VIP recently devoured by colossal horror still at large, ubiquitous wailing, gnashing of teeth, somber reenactments of VIP's famous deeds including actual carnage, attendance mandatory as is heavy drinking
2. Spectacular puppet show of the utmost depravity performed by travelling sorcerer and talented shoggoth familiar on annual visit, crowds form early in underused theater chamber to imbibe pre-show potables
3. The Scourging of the Young: rite of passage for fledgling warriors, beaten to w/in inch of life by grizzled veterans while the rest of the clan gets blind drunk
4. Semi-annual military drilling including elaborate war games with nearby tribe of alternate humanoids, there are always fatalities, drinking occurs after closing ceremonies
5. Psychedelic bacchanal in honor of God of Confusion, elite guard remain lucid, distribute psychotopic fungi, everyone else gibbers, paws the air to shoo away hallucinations, cackles hideously, or, worst of all, contributes to berserk cacophony of rhythm instruments
6. Holiday to celebrate God of Illusion, costumes fashioned for months in advance, wizard outfits popular this year, social order temporarily suspended for giant LARP, moderate intoxication encouraged to get everyone loosened up
7. Feast to mock the gods of the surface-men: shoddy effigies of popular deities erected, defiled, cursed, and smashed, coincides w/readiness of seasonal brew
8. High-level negotiations w/representatives of group of bigger, more dangerous humanoids, despite herculean efforts/binge drinking only 20% chance of reaching accord, otherwise inter-dungeon war imminent
9. The Passage of the Elderly: first there's drinking, then all humanoids entering dotage (a slim percentage of the population indeed) give final impassioned speeches before leaping into the flaming maw of the Famished God
10. Coronation of new leadership following bloody coup d'etat, as part of celebration former chief's fine booze supply distributed democratically
11. Bigwigs of Evil inspect lair/assess military capabilities of tribe, humanoid leaders terrified, consumption of liquor forbidden until conclusion of audit
12. Trouble w/booze shipment, all events cancelled, palpable tension at all levels of humanoid social ladder